


Feel Again

by frozenmorningdew



Category: Valdaya
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 00:05:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6632524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frozenmorningdew/pseuds/frozenmorningdew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of all the words in the universe, it might’ve been are the saddest ones. They speak of lost potential, a greatness that never was. But what is even worse is being oblivious to the love around, and the love you feel. Maybe the worst thing is waking up after years of friendship and realizing just why your gaze always seems to travel to the kindest eyes in any room and the person they belong to. Always a thousand things to say and a thousand reasons not to. </p><p>Zendaya and Val are growing apart from each other as they go on with their lives. Their friendship is haunted by unsaid things and the people they have let close to them. Will they be able to find their way to where they first started or are they destined to be a footnote in each other’s stories?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. May 2017

**Author's Note:**

> I drew an incredible amount of inspiration from music, like I always do. I made a fanmix for anyone who is interested in stepping into my brain and listening to the music that inspired this fic. I also drew inspiration from the movie Runaway Bride, starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.
> 
> There are so many people to thank. First of all I’d like to thank my artist, @poeticespionage [tumblr], who helped me more than she probably knows. Her positive attitude and cheerleading made this whole thing possible. Everyone should watch her amazing video that parallels the story to absolute perfection. @sabxxrina [tumblr], was the best Beta anyone could’ve asked for and whenever I disliked something I had written she was able to change it into perfection.

She stood in front of the mirror, her hands running down her dress, smoothing the creases that had formed. This was the sixth one she had tried on yet it didn’t feel right, just like the other ones. None of the colors had been right, the styles of the dresses didn’t flatter her and whenever she looked into the mirror, she never saw herself reflecting back. She only wanted to look good for him. The problem was, she didn’t know who he was. 

“This is too complicated” she said to her reflection, sighing and yanking down the strapless purple and white dress she had on and letting it slide down to the floor. She turned around and her eyes settled on the two garments that were laid out on the bed. One was a tight black dress with thin straps and oval cutouts under the bodice. It was chic, bold and sexy and it was  **his**  favorite. The other one was fiery red. It was made of silk. It had a shaped wire neckline and shoestring straps. And it was  _his_  favorite. 

There were two men she wanted to dress up for tonight. One of the dresses was her boyfriend’s favorite. He had bought it for her, more so for himself than for her. He loved when she wore it, with her long dark hair flowing down her back. She knew it drove him crazy. But was that what she wanted tonight? 

The other dress was her best friend’s favorite. He had commented on it months earlier, told her how neatly the thin straps fell on her shoulders, how the fabric was as soft as her skin. He (had) liked that. It had happened that night. They had looked at each other differently, a bit more bold, a little more lingering, certain of the things they wanted, just for that one night. Zendaya put her right hand up to her neck, caressing the exact same spot where her best friend had nibbled her that night. Many times before he had laid his head in the exact same spot. Sometimes to stay, other times to lay feather light kisses. The softness of his lips on her skin had never evoked a reaction before, at least other than trust and a reassurance that he was there and forever would be. But that night a fire was ignited. She had never before realized the passion she held. It wasn’t passion for him, not solely. She ignited because she let go. She never allowed that to happen. She was meticulous. But when it came to him, well she had never had a choice. On the dance floor she had always been at his mercy, her every move was his, and she never questioned him. She knew he would catch her when she slipped and he proved himself worthy every time. 

That’s why she had given herself to him that night; she wasn’t naive enough to think this was something it wasn’t. She also didn’t want the flowers, compliments and eternal love most girls her age yearned for. She wanted security. Just for that moment she had wanted to be held in the warm embrace of the man she trusted more than anyone, and protected her from empty words and broken promises. And that’s why she had allowed him to take over. No, that’s why she had urged him. He had been hesitant, scared, but his eyes (had) craved her body as much as she craved this moment. A mumble of “Are you sure” stifled by a delicate kiss, a slight smile and a heart going wild. Silk sliding down between two bodies that were in absolute sync. Hands sliding over bodies, tongues bringing each of them to the brink of ecstasy. Hesitation, reassurance and relaxation. Fingers intertwining and rough kisses only broken when the intense tingling sensation of release washed over them both.

It was a memory she held onto, for many reasons, almost all of them unknown to her. She had searched into her core and found nothing. Her heart didn't beat faster in his presence; her stomach didn't turn into butterflies every time his name was mentioned yet she never wanted to let him go. Because she loved him. Not like a woman loves a man, not with an aching heart but with a heart that knows it has found its companion. She might even call him a soul mate, they were bonded by something that really couldn't be described. But romantic love? She couldn't feel that. 

She again looked at the two dresses on the bed. She wanted to please them both, but for different reasons. Her phone went off, the sound indicating a received message. 

_Picking you up in 30. See you luv._

He called her luv. It was all very British, a bit of a show but she didn't really mind. He was good to her, good for her. Patient, understanding, successful in his own right. Always gone long enough for her to miss him but not long enough so she ached for him. But she cared. Oh how she cared for him. She wasn’t ready to utter those three words, but she would. One day she would. 

She had made her choice. She grabbed the dress, put it on and thought about the smile that would overtake his face when he saw her, and she felt joy at the thought. 

* * *

 

He stood backstage, watching people getting everything ready for his show.  _His show._  He felt strange even thinking about it. This was all his. There were no friends involved, no brothers. Just him and the dancers he had auditioned, absolute gems of artistry every one of them. This was the opening night and even though they weren’t part of the production, they were all there. His parents, his brother and Peta, his sister-in-law, his friends from the show and his friends from home. All sitting in the theatre. Only one seat empty. No, two. She wasn’t there yet,  **they**  weren’t there yet.  _She’s in a team now. It isn’t just her anymore._  And he didn’t really mind. Sure it was weird to think of his Zendaya being grown up enough to have a real relationship. _You **know**  she’s grown up._ He sighed, his mind going back months to the exact moment he had decided to take what she offered and make it his. He didn’t regret it, not really. It was an amazing moment of intimacy that could only be achieved between two people who respected and cared for each other. But it hadn’t been his to take. He had been selfish enough to convince himself that it was a good idea, when in reality it had changed everything. She had found  **him**  soon afterwards. She had said it was kinda like fate but he knew that it had been the awkwardness of their encounter that spurred her forward, made her look for someone new to spend her time with. They hadn’t spent much time alone together since it happened. He mourned the loss of her presence even though she was still a constant in his life. 

He tried to shake off these thoughts, this night was not about her or them. It was about his vision, his goal. The dreams that had been made a reality. He looked through the curtain at the seats, there was a person in each of them. And as his eyes scanned over the section where his family and friends were sat, he saw her. She was wearing that black dress she seemed so fond of, the one he didn’t like. A dress that showed off all her best qualities and made his eyes linger on each of them. But it wasn’t her, or maybe it was and he had missed the part where she had changed …

* * *

 

She watched every movement that his body made. Everything was so precise, so fluid, so graceful. Sometimes she felt as though his eyes were fixated on her but she knew they weren’t. She knew that when he stepped on that stage he transformed into a world where only he and his partner existed. She watched as he took his dance partner’s hand, laying it on his chin before tugging her whole body towards his own. She felt a wave of anger and envy wash over her. It pushed itself towards the surface every time she saw someone new dance with him but it always quickly subsided, it had happened during every season of his show and every other time. But in almost every occasion she would adore his new dance partners, sometimes more than he did. This felt different though. His expressions were different, his fingers lingering just a bit more longer than normally and the girl’s smile seemed more smug than anything. She knew what that meant. And still, the jealousy the held was only about them dancing together. She wanted her best friend to be happy. As happy as she was.  _Happier._

She was whisked away from her thoughts by the roaring sound of applause. He was standing in the middle of the stage, a grin covering most of his face. The other dancers were circled around him, each one of them looking at admirably just like every person in the theatre was. This was his moment, his world, and she had never been more proud.

As the curtains fell she made her way to where his parents and brother were sitting, doubling back when she realized she had walked away from Reed, leaving him surrounded by people whispering and staring at him. 

“I’m so sorry, I was just too excited to go see Mr. and Mrs. Chmerkovskiy. I haven’t seen them in months.”

He smiled at her like he always did, never finding any fault in her actions. “Lead the way beautiful.” She smiled but that word always sounded so wrong coming from him. It only felt right coming from one man. All of a sudden she was enveloped in a hug, it was rough but gentle at the same time and she felt the love she held for Val’s brother, her own brother, seep through and erase all hints of jealousy and doubt that was present in her. 

As soon as he let go she could hear him slap Reed across the shoulder, loudly questioning why she had been keeping him from her family. 

“You see Reed, Zendaya here has a whole team of big brothers that are ready to do everything for her. Now I like you, you’ve been a perfect gentleman for these 45 seconds that I’ve known you but if you end up disappointing me and Z over here I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you”

Zendaya, seeing the confused look on Reed’s face, slapped Maks on the shoulder which made him break out into a cheesy grin. “Why are you doing your own version of the Taken speech?”

Peta suddenly appeared and wrapped her arms around her husband, “Don’t pay any attention to him. He’s been behaving like a child this whole week.” She looked at him with a small smile and placed a small kiss on his cheek. She hugged Zendaya and then introduced herself to Reed who took her hand and politely kissed both of her cheeks. Peta smiled, “That British charm, Zendaya I think this one is definitely a keeper.” Zendaya just smiled, knowing full well that Peta was right but not ready to comment on the matter.

After she hugged the Chmerkovskiy’s and was given a lecture from Papa Chmerkovskiy about not visiting when she was in New York two weeks ago, it was time to go backstage. She felt a rush of excitement. It was always a thrilling experience talking to Val after a performance. He was always so full of life and electrifying after being on stage. She felt Reed’s hand trying to fit into her own but she moved it away. She let out a light laugh, “Your hands are cold.” She didn’t look at his face but heard the questioning tone in his voice, “What?” Her steps became more determined, she knew exactly where she was going,  _she was going to him_. And there he stood, a wide smile on his face as he talked animatedly to a couple of the dancers, his hand firmly placed in the palm of the girl he had just spent the last hour dancing with. 

Her heart didn’t shatter. Her heart didn’t shatter because that would mean that she cared. And she didn’t. She couldn’t. She had Reed.

His family went straight up to him, hugging and kissing both of them.  _They know her_. Was she the only one who didn’t know about her? She saw Val make his way towards her and Reed and put on her best smile for him. “Nice to see you again Reed, how did you like the show? Be honest.” She heard Reed talking but she couldn’t focus enough to hear any words. She was staring at the girl who was giggling with Peta. She was blonde.  _He doesn’t like blondes_. She was small and she looked like she could touch her own head with her toes. She heard her name being spoken and looked at the source, straight into Val’s eyes. She noticed that Reed was gone and before she could even ask she got her answer. “He went for a drink, a bevvy. He’s like the epitome of England, isn’t he?” He laughed and she gave him a small smile. Silence crept over them and it was like they could both feel themselves slipping away. “Your hair looks nice, I really like it when it’s up like that.” She looked at him, trying to read the expression on his face.  _I wore it like this for you_. She quickly changed the subject, nodding her head towards the girl who was now conversing with his mom. “I see you’ve found a star in the making. Who is she?” She could feel the bitter taste in her mouth and hoped her aversion wasn’t audible. 

He looked back at his family, a knot forming in his chest. “That’s Tara. She’s one of the dancers I auditioned for my show, she’s incredible. Well you saw. She’s an absolute natural, her instinct is like nothing I’ve ever seen before.” 

“Is it the real deal?” They both knew what she was talking about. Val didn’t speak for a good moment and when he did he was hesitant. “No. I don’t know. It’s new. It’s fun. It’s … a distraction.”

“What do you need to be distracted from?” She was afraid of the answer and didn’t know why she had asked the question. He answered quickly, like he had thought about the answer for a long time. “Life. I just needed a distraction from life.” “You’re distracting yourself from things that are real with something that isn’t?”

He looked at her with a look that was a mixture of hurt and confusion but before he could speak Reed showed up with two drinks. “I’m sorry Val, I didn’t know what you liked and I didn’t want to put your palate at risk with an abhorrent drink so I didn’t bring you anything, which is a travesty of impoliteness on my account.” 

“Reed, my man, don’t even worry about it. We’re gonna go out, in about thirty minutes. The whole gang. Why don’t you join us?” They both answered at the same time, Reed with a yes and Zendaya with a no. “Tomorrow is an early start for me, I can’t really go out.” Val’s jaw tensed and she knew that he knew. She had never been a good liar. “Reed can go” she turned to face him, “If you want.” Reed looked a bit taken aback but showed interest. “Only if you’re fine with it Val, I don’t want to impose.” 

The lingering look Val had been giving Zendaya transferred to Reed. “It would be a great opportunity for us to get to know each other, you’re not going anywhere so I think we have to.” Val smiled and Reed let out a laugh but Zendaya could feel the meaning behind those words. Was Val’s presence in her life a chore for him? Was she taking everything too seriously? 

Reed kissed her goodbye and walked away with Val while she turned around and went her own way. H _e didn’t even hug me_. No hello, no goodbye. 

 


	2. September 2017

“Have you given him an answer?” 

She could feel her mother’s eyes burning on the back of her head. She wanted to scream, not at her mother, just at the world. Reed had asked her to move in with him. They had been dating for 10 months and she was still unsure. A couple of months ago she had felt hopeful. Hopeful that she would one day wake up, look to her side and realize that she loved him. But now every time she woke up and saw the outlines of his body laying next to her, she felt a heavy burden that just kept getting heavier with every day. There was a pain inside her, not exactly where her heart was but close. 

“No.” She knew what her mom was going to say and didn’t want to give her any ammunition. But instead of a lecture she heard a sigh and felt her mother’s arms draping her from behind. Claire kissed the side of her daughter’s head and spoke. “Do what you want. What you  **need**  to do. This is your life, no one else’s.”

Zendaya hugged her mother, thankful that she understood, even though she herself didn’t fully. 

* * *

She stood awkwardly by his front door, not ready to take the steps she needed. She was weighing her options, even though she knew what needed to happen. All of a sudden the door flew up and Reed stood there, asking her if she was just gonna hang outside his house all day long.

“No, I was just ....”

“You were just trying to avoid me while standing outside my house?”

“Maybe ….”

Reed rolled his eyes and ushered her inside the house he had recently asked her to move into. 

Zendaya felt incredibly uncomfortable and could barely stand in one place, moving herself to different spots in the living room just trying to find one place where she felt easy. _I could never live here_. 

Reed looked at her, getting more worried with every move he made. “I love you.”

She stopped, taking in the words that she had heard before but had never said back. Her back was turned to him but she could hear his footsteps approaching and then felt his arms wrapping around her. She never seemed to be able to melt into his arms, it always felt like there was something blocking their bodies.  _Her mind? Her heart?_

“You’re a hard person to get to Z. But I won’t ever stop trying, even if it will take both of our lives and we’ll be 100 years old and gray. I will get you to completely open your heart to me,” and then he kissed her neck and she recoiled away from him. 

“Don’t. Don’t say those things.”

He looked hurt, beaten. “Please Z, I just feel like you’re never here with me.”

She whipped around, his words stinging her. “What are you talking about? I’m always here, I’m always with you. I barely do anything else when I’m not working.” She felt heated, angry.  **Guilty**. 

“Your body might be with me but your soul is wandering far, far away.”

The silence was deafening. Zendaya knew he was right but she couldn’t admit it. She wouldn’t. Because that meant too many things. 

“Say something please … You know what, sometimes I feel like giving up on this. On us.”

“Then just do it.” And she left. She didn’t run, but she was composed and assured. Taking decided steps towards her car, leaving the man who truly would do anything for her. 

* * *

It was almost 10 pm when Val, half naked and wet after taking a deservedly hot shower, opened the door to what looked like a wrecked Zendaya. Without words he lead her to the living room, where she sat down on the couch. He went quickly to his bedroom to put on some pants and a wife beater, coming back into the living room with a tall glass of water. He put it on the table, before sitting himself down beside it. He looked at the woman sitting opposite him. He knew every part of her, every crevice on her beautiful, caramel colored skin. He had only had her for one night but that night was etched into his memory and he replayed it often. 

But now wasn’t the time to reminisce. This beautiful creature in front of him was in pain and it was his job to make sure it subsided,  _to make sure her life was filled with things to smile about_. 

He lightly touched her knee, not wanting to impose too much. “Want to talk?”

She just shook her head, staring past him at the darkness outside.

He understood her and knew what she needed. So he sat down beside her, leaning close to her and putting his arm around her. She reacted instinctively, turning so her nose touched his neck, draping her hand over his stomach. 

He felt as though her hand would burn a hole in his t-shirt and moved it away, but as soon as their hands touched Zendaya wrapped her fingers around his, moving the heat away from his stomach to his fingertips. 

This was nothing new for either of them. Every time Zendaya felt pain, or anguish or sorrow she would come to him. He knew she didn’t expect him to fix anything, and he couldn’t. He couldn’t fix her relationships or the times her job got to her and she just couldn’t take it anymore. No he couldn’t fix any of that. But he could be there for her, and he was. His arms were her shelter, pure and tender yet loving and strong. He was the one who shielded her away from the problems of the world, or at least he tried to. And that’s why he hated the sensation her warm body gave him. 

He had always seen himself as her protector, her mentor,  _a friend_. 

But now her hand was in his and her breath was on his neck and the only instinct in his whole body was to press his lips to her neck, to feel the soft skin right above her collarbone. He didn’t know why he was so attracted to that one place. He had always gravitated towards it without thinking about it, but after Maks’ and Peta’s wedding, he had viewed it differently. 

A murmur came from Zendaya, so soft that Val could barely hear it. “Will it ever be easier?”

A slight smile formed in his lips, memories of young love playing before his eyes. 

“Believe it or not but in a couple of months time the only connection your mind will make when presented with the name Reed will be that plant that likes water.”

Zendaya raised herself up and looked at him, her lips were pinched together like she didn’t really know what to say. “I just mean … Maybe ….” Her gaze fell to the floor and Val felt like there were a million unsaid things floating between them. 

Suddenly she spoke again but with the same timid manner as before. “How did you know that breaking up with Tara was the right thing to do?” She wasn’t looking at him, rather she turned her head away as she spoke. He knew that she had never really liked Tara. She never really liked anyone he was dating but that had more to do with the fact that he had horrible taste. 

“ **It**  never happened.”

Zendaya turned her head, confusion written all over her face. One of Val’s signature smiles appeared on of his face, the one where his eyes crinkled and he laid his head back, resting it on the sofa headrest. 

“ **It**  is that thing that makes you realize you love someone, that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. When every song you hear reminds you of them. Not just the one you danced to at you friends wedding but every song that has an adjective that reminds you of that special someone. When the butterflies don’t just stay in your stomach but travel to your throat, threatening to escape your body. When the warmth of their hand is the only thing that can keep you warm …” He stopped talking but didn’t look at her. Zendaya saw he had his eyes closed and wondered what he was thinking about. 

“Do you love him?” She had no answer for his question. 

“I don’t know.”

“He loves you, I think he’d probably wait for you forever.”

Those words hit Zendaya hard. What was she looking for? Could it be that she was losing something completely reasonable while searching for something else, not even knowing what it was. “You think I should go back to him?”

“I don’t know what happened between the two of you.” He saw her open her mouth but he continued speaking. “It’s none of my business. I’m here for everything you need but I won’t be a judge in your relationship. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you what you want. That’s what you need to figure out. That’s what I need you to figure out.” He looked down at his hands, exhaling the reservations he had, the thoughts that told him to ask her to stay. He did the exact opposite, following the advice of his brain instead of the pounding in his chest that had become even more erratic for the past few minutes. 

He rubbed his hands together, his speech continuing to fall from his lips, words that to him didn’t make any sense. “I have faith in you,  _cliché I know_ , but you know yourself better than you think.”

“Better than you know me?”

“No.”

Zendaya smiled at him, a mixture of mysterious disappointment and gratefulness filling her every sense. “I should go then,” she said the words but didn’t move, silently hoping that he would change his mind about everything.  **Why** , she did not know. But nothing happened and so she stood up, gave him a lingering hug and walked out, without what she had been looking for which was an answer to the one question she had yet to ask herself.

Val looked at her leave, while he held onto the words that his brain had not yet learned and his heart had not yet caught up on. And he knew her. He knew her better than she knew herself. He knew she wouldn’t return to him, why would she when she wasn’t his. She was moving forward from their one night, she wasn’t fixated on it. She probably did not smell his cologne every time she lay in bed.  _Stop it Valentin_. 

She was moving on and so would he.  

 


	3. December 2017

Zendaya stood on the balcony connected to her bedroom. She could hear people beneath her, out in the garden, talking about everything and nothing, clinking glasses and congratulating each other. There were thirty minutes until the ball would drop. Thirty minutes until another would be gone and until another year, similar to this one, would begin. She felt like she was suspended in mid air, holding onto a rope that was about to break. She looked down at her hand, a feeling of despair gripping her everything she did. 

She had been thinking. Thinking about her life, her career, her love. She walked back into her bedroom, the copy of Life&Style still on her bed. The piece of paper **that** had made her feel inadequate, cruel. It talked about her accomplishes, how great a person she was,  **her amazing relationship**. How passionate she was about everything in her life. That one was almost true. She was passionate. She saw the things she was passionate about in fiery red but for as long as she could remember her relationship with Reed had always been blue. She had spent a long time trying to figure out what that meant but now she knew. She had known for a couple of months but she didn’t know what to do. How could she? 

The man she was in love with was her best friend. It was love, wasn’t it? Her heart had been trying to tell her for a long time but she had not listened. Sometimes the heart sees what’s invisible to the eye, that had never been truer than now. In his presence she felt warm and safe, watched over by his beautiful eyes that always shone like emeralds. Every hug took her from the world, melting away when he drew her tighter in,  _always_ ; and never wanting to let go. 

_That must be love._

“Why are you hiding away at your own party?”

There was a sense of amusement in his voice and her heart took a leap. There he was, a black suit hugging his body, his hair slicked back, stubble on his face, a smile on his lips and a look of understanding deep in his eyes. 

She smiled back, a little unsure but ready. “I’m not hiding, I’m just taking a little break. I don’t even know half of these people.”

Val let out a chuckle and walked towards the bed. The mattress gave away as he sat down and Zendaya remembered what had happened the last time the two were truly alone together. 

“This is what happens when you host parties with your man, he will inevitably invite some of the people he knows.” He said it with a teasing tone but Zendaya felt like his eyes didn’t match his voice. She didn’t know if she should comment on it and before she could decide her room was filled with sound, the DJ having decided to start up again and the open door of the balconies allowing the sound to envelope them. 

Val looked at her and put his hand out, inviting her palm into his. He led her to the middle of them room and when they stopped he his arm around her waist and put them in motion. The steps were small and their bodies were close. Zendaya could swear that she felt his heart beat, faster and faster with each step. Their eyes were fixed on each other’s and then Val took both of her hands in his and put them around his neck before placing his on her waist. 

The butterflies that had first formed in her stomach were now travelling up her throat, threatening to leave her body. The lyrics of the song echoed in her head,  _this feels like falling in love_ , and all of her previous doubts were swept away. 

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_. And they both moved towards each other, Zendaya closing her eyes, the anticipation of a kiss fueled by love waiting on her lips. But it never came. She felt his arms around her waist loosen, and she opened her eyes. The look on his face was unreadable. 

He whispered and she couldn’t breathe. 

“I met someone.” 

She couldn’t move. The song had died out and in the background all she could hear was a countdown,  _15, 14, 13, 12_. In 12 seconds the world would welcome a new year with new expectations and dreams while hers were falling down all around her. 

She finally let go of him. Holding onto him now was like holding onto a cactus, she had been stung. And while he tried to grab onto her hand, she moved away, embarrassed and mortified of the thought that she had allowed herself to be vulnerable. 

**HAPPY NEW YEAR**

The celebration echoed around the room and she made her way to the balcony, closing the doors. She held onto the knob a few seconds too long, composing herself. 

A new Zendaya turned around to face him. She was pretty sure that her eyes were betraying her but she still put on a smile. She was an actress after all. 

“You met someone?” Her voice came out silky smooth and she felt like she was detached from her own body. 

Val didn’t reply. It felt like an eternity but in reality the silence only lasted for a couple of seconds. 

When he finally spoke his voice sounded strained and whispery. “Yeah.” A silence fell over them again, neither knowing how to continue. 

“I met her two months ago, everything just fell into place. Just like you see in the movies.” His tight laugh was like a punch in the stomach for Zendaya but she would not let herself falter. 

“Wow. Reminds me of Reed and myself.” She saw how Val began to shake his head before he stopped himself. The hand that had minutes before been wrapped around her waist was now situated at the back of his neck, rubbing away. He did that when he was unsure. She hated it. 

He looked at her, a look of pity and she felt disgusted. Half an hour ago she had been ready to confess her love for him. She had been about to throw away the security that she had for a man who had never seen her in the same light that she constantly looked at him. 

Her next words shocked even herself. “Don’t feel guilty,” she walked up to him, each step like walking on glass. “Nothing happened except a momentary lapse of judgement. No one will know.” She put her hand on his chest and patted it twice, not really knowing what sort of gesture she should leave with him. 

As she walked past him and to the bedroom door she was stopped by his voice that sounded more sure now than before. “Know what? What is this Zendaya?” 

She smiled at him, trying to hide the grief that she felt. She started walking towards him but stopped midway and put out her hand instead. It was like he was blinded by the band on her finger. White gold, white diamonds. 

“Congratulations.”

She withdrew her hand, trying to search his eyes for the reaction she really wanted. But there was nothing there.  _Congratulations_. 

She was screaming on the inside but smiling on the outside. Not a huge smile, it wasn’t the smile that was usually reserved for him. It was the only one she could physically muster right now. Someone knocked on the door and she heard Reed’s voice through the door. 

“Yeah I’m in here,” and then he opened the door, swept her up of her feet and kissed her deeply. She felt stubble which was weird because Reed was clean shaven, always was. 

He let go of her and went up to Val, hugging him like they were best friends. Val didn’t take his eyes off her the whole time. 

“So did you tell him?” Reed’s bright smile and big hopes made her once again feel like the worst person on the face of the earth. 

“She told me.” He was still staring at her but moved his gaze to Reed as soon as the words left his mouth. “Congratulations, this is huge.” His lips, that had been pursed a couple of seconds before were now turned up, a huge smile forming. 

“She’s been a bit difficult but I think I’ve won her over.” Reed laughed at his own joke but all Zendaya could do was stare at the man in front of her. Their eyes met and then he gave her a small smile. It was not forced, it was not the smile of someone who had just shared a beautiful moment with the person he loves. He had a sparkle in his eye and a glint of excitement and joy. He was happy.  _And she would learn to be_.


	4. May 2018

“None of this is right. These flowers look wrong, the table set up is a disaster and this,” she grabbed her wedding dress from where it hung and threw it on the bed, “ **this**  feels like walking in a meringue cake. I get lost in it.”

Deja and Dom, two of Zendaya’s best friends looked at each other, having anticipated the breakdown for months. “What’s going on Z? And don’t you dare say that everything is going great because I’m pretty sure throwing placemats on the floor and changing flower arrangements every five hours doesn’t fall under ‘great’.”

Zendaya held her head in her hands, like she was trying to block out a headache. 

“After 2 years, his hand still doesn’t fit.”

Deja and Dom sent quizzical looks their friends way, not really understanding what her words meant but knowing full well what had brought them on. Dom was the one who spoke first, laying her hand gently on Zendaya’s shoulder and speaking, hoping that her friend would finally share with her what had been nagging her for a long time. 

Zendaya felt Dom’s hand on her shoulder and relaxed into it. She felt a year's worth of pent up feelings breaking out of her body as tears. She whispered through the sobs although it was unintelligible for her two friends.

“It just … doesn’t … feel right.” The tears streamed down, smudging the make up Dom and Deja had worked hours on perfecting after months of searching for the perfect bridal look. 

Dom and Deja both tried to wrap their arms around their friend but Zendaya walked away from them, feeling like she didn’t deserve to be consoled.

“I’ve had so much time … to stop this ... from happening. I just don’t … It never felt right … but I just … ” Her sobbing had subsided a bit but she still had a hard time forming sentences. 

“Zendaya please, just breathe. Breathe.” Deja laid her hand on Zendaya’s arm and stroked it, the sadness in her eyes made Deja feel both guilty and sorry for her. Sorry that she had to go through this and guilty that she had not intervened before. She had known the engagement was a bad idea but had kept her mouth shut from fear of alienating Zendaya. Her and Dom both had.  

Dom came up to Zendaya’s other side and took her hand in her own, tugging it a bit so that Zendaya would follow her to the bed. They sat down with Deja sitting down on the other side of Zendaya. “Z ... ” Dom didn’t know how to approach the subject. Zendaya was vulnerable and could get defensive in situations like that. “It’s truth time. No escaping and no need to because this is us you’re speaking to. Dom and Deja. We’ve been here alongside you for years just watching you conquer everything you’ve set out to conquer. So please tell us, do you want to marry Reed? Spend the rest of your life with him in a house with kids and a lot of tea?”

Zendaya gave a tearful laugh, Reed did love his tea. But at the same time she shook her head, not ready to say the words out loud but finally ready to admit to her mistakes. Finally ready to admit that she could not fall in love with him, as much as she wanted it to happen. 

“He just doesn’t fit, you know?” She looked at her friends, her eyes red and cheeks streaked with tears. More tears fell as she spoke again. “What if you only get one chance? One chance to be with someone who aligns perfectly with you? One person who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling to your eyes or just by staring into space?” She looked down at her hands, playing with her ring for a moment before taking it off. She stared at it and quietly spoke, “I accepted the love I thought I deserved. I deserve more and Reed does too.”

She stood up and went to her dressing table, cleaning mascara off her cheeks, wondering why she hadn’t insisted on it being waterproof. 

Dom and Deja saw her reflection. She had a fierce look about her, the kind of look only a determined woman has. They offered to stay with her, knowing that Reed would be home within the hours but she declined.

“This is my mess and I need to fix it. I can’t use cleaners for this one.” They all hugged each other and Dom whispered some reassuring words into her ear. When they left Zendaya was standing in the middle of the bedroom, all on her own. She looked at her surroundings and tried to fall back on the beautiful memories she had experienced within the four walls of this house. She was taken aback by the fact that they were few, feeling like she had been sleepwalking through their relationship. She didn’t know how long she stood there but she was brought back to the present when she heard the front door closing and Reed’s voice echoing up the stairs. 

She drew a longs breath and composed herself, knowing what she had to do and wanting to do it right. She was gonna give him time, room to yell and curse but she was not going to allow him to make her feel badly. She was not gonna get sucked in again like she had before. She wanted to find love and it was not in this house. 

She walked down the stairs and there he was, at the bottom. His smile faded away as he saw her. She knew that she looked like she had been crying, she hadn’t been able to conceal the redness in her eyes and she was still puffy. 

She stopped a couple of steps before reaching the bottom, all of the words she had planned to say disappearing from her mind. But it didn’t matter because Reed spoke first.

“You’re leaving aren’t you?” His voice was stone cold and Zendaya felt the tears stinging her eyes. 

“Yes.” Neither of them spoke, the tears forming in Zendaya’s eyes threatening to spill. 

Reed looked at her, a hard look on his face that soon turned into a look of resignation. “I knew I just … didn’t want to know.” 

“You knew?” She used her thumb to wipe her eyes so she could see him better. “You knew but you were still gonna marry me?” 

“I told you I’d never stop trying to get you to love me. I guess I just thought ...” He stopped mid sentence and it looked like he was choosing his words carefully. “I thought you wouldn’t stop trying either. I guess that was a wrong assumption.”

Zendaya walked down the last steps and up to him, there were things she needed to say. “I tried. I really did. But this is not meant to be fo...”

“Meant to be?” Reed raised his voice and ran his hand through his hair. “That’s fairytales Z. People are not meant to be, they just find each other and stick together. That’s it!”

Zendaya remained calm, having promised herself that she would not be tricked into a screaming match. She did not want this to end like that. “No. You are meant to find someone. Just like I am. It took me along time to realize that I deserve someone that I love with all my heart.”

“So you’re saying I’m not good enough for you?” She saw the anger in his eyes. 

“Those were not my words. You might even be too good for me. But I’m not yours and you’re not mine.” 

She reached out her hand to touch his but Reed flinched away. Her head fell down and she bit her lip. _What did you expect?_  As she walked past him she felt pressure on her hand. She looked down and his hand slipped into hers and squeezed it before letting go. They didn’t speak but Zendaya felt both better and worse as his hand let go. 

As she walked out and got into her car, there was only one place she wanted to go.

* * *

“Could you maybe not?” 

Val looked up from the magazine and at his girlfriend who was laying beside him in bed. They hadn’t left it all day and had spent the past hour looking at miscellaneous magazines and papers. He had stopped at an interview and photo spread of Zendaya. The pictures of her were mesmerizing but he closed the magazine straight away. Emilia had a sore spot for Zendaya and for some odd reason he indulged her. His excuse was always that he loved her and didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable in any way but lately that excuse just didn’t seem to fit. He loved Emilia, he really did but at the expense of Zendaya? No. 

He heard the doorbell ring and stood up, putting on some sweatpants he found on the floor and a t-shirt, expecting to see his brother on the other side of the door. 

But it wasn’t him.  _It was her_. 

“Zendaya? Hey!” He hugged her closely, her smell filling every sense and going straight to his head. 

She hugged him back feeling like she hadn’t felt his warmth in months. She blurted out the news of her breakup and she felt Val’s demeanor chance. His brows were furrowed when he let go of her but Zendaya didn’t notice. 

“You what?”

“I broke off the engagement. It never felt right, I was never truly happy and I didn’t feel any of the things you said a person would feel when they find their one true love.”

Val looked at her open mouthed, not fully grasping what she had just said. “Are you telling me you broke off your engagement because of something I said? That I don’t even remember saying?” He felt a flicker of anger in the pit of his stomach,  _how can she do this now?_

“What? No Val, don’t you remember? After you broke up with Tara you talked about it. You know,  **it**  being that thing that makes you realize you love someone, makes you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Every song reminding you of them. The butterflies that don’t just stay in your stomach but travel to your throat, The warmth of their hand being the only thing that can keep you warm.” The hopefulness in her eyes cut him deep. He knew what she was talking about. The thing that he had wanted but had given up on. The thing that he had found but let go without a fight. And now he was stuck. Not stuck no. He was with a woman he could see himself marrying.  _That he was already promised to_. 

“Val who was it?” Emilia walked into the living room wearing only one of Val’s plaid shirts. The look in her eyes told Zendaya that she already knew whom Val was talking to. Emilia slid up to his side and wrapped her arms around him, smiling smugly at Zendaya. 

“What brings you here?” Her voice was sickly sweet but Zendaya could hear the venom that was hidden behind every word. She didn’t know how to answer and before she could she noticed something. 

Val could see where her eyes had fallen and swallowed hard. This was not how he had wanted her to find out.  _This is such a mess._

Emilia moved her hand so that her engagement ring was even more prominent. It was beautiful. Val had always had good taste. Emilia’s self-satisfied grin only grew wider and Zendaya didn’t know what to do. How could she congratulate him when it felt as though her voice was gone? She didn’t know how her feet were still firmly on the ground and she felt as though she would never speak again, the raw emotions of the revelation strangling her vocal chords.

She had been here before, five months ago when he had told her about Emilia; so, she knew what she would do.  She would congratulate them, wish them all the best, hug them and kiss them. Even though she could feel the tears stinging her eyes, she tried her hardest to smile. She promised herself that she would not cry. That he would not see how much this affected her, even though she felt that  **he**  could hear the cracks forming in her heart; hear how much it was breaking right before his eyes; she would be happy for them.   
And when she would get home she told herself, that she would not fall to the floor and crawl into bed; that, she would not cry over things that would never happen; that, she would not allow herself to have her happiness tied to him; and that, she would not spend her days seeing his face everywhere she walked. 

But she did.


	5. August 2018

“Thank you so much for coming with me. I just feel kinda uncomfortable going into all of these shops, you know? Especially this one, I’m not even supposed to see the dress before the wedding.” 

Zendaya wasn’t really listening to Val, not having any interest in the wedding planning or talking about it. Emilia was in London but had found the perfect dress in LA so before someone else could snatch it up, she had asked Val to go pick it up. She only came with him in the first place because he had practically begged her. Guilted her by counting the times they had seen each other in the last few months. Those times were few. An occasional dinner, parties thrown by other people, gatherings of mutual friends. Work she always said. Photo shoots, filming, writing for a new album. Lies. She wasn’t really busy enough to be avoiding him through work, she was doing it on purpose. 

It hurt being near him. Her whole body ached and her heart screamed when she stood even just 5 feet away from him. She loved him. It was as clear as a bright summer day but still made her feel as dark as a winter sky that had lost its stars. But this was her trying. Because his happiness mattered to her, was essential to her. She wouldn’t be selfish anymore. She would stand by his side and watch him give himself away to someone he loved. 

“Are you ok?” 

She was standing in front of a mannequin that was dressed in the most beautiful wedding dress she had ever seen. 

It was simple. The skirt was fitted at the hips and flared out to a bottom that had the shape of a bell. It was as white as snow and and when she touched the fabric of the skirt, it was rough against her skin. It was sleeveless but the neckline was sheer from the shoulders to the breasts. She traced the contrasting material there, enjoying the smoothness on her fingertips. 

“Why don’t you try it on?” She turned around to look at him, “are you crazy?”

“Why? It’s just us here. I’m not gonna tell anyone, mainly because there’s nothing to tell. It’s a piece of clothing. Just do it if you want.”

She looked away from him, scared that he could see in her eyes how she envisioned walking down the aisle in that dress and him waiting for her at the end. 

“Why not?” She asked him and he replied in the same manner. “Why not.”

He sat down in a chair that was situated by the dressing room, sinking uncomfortable into the pillows and readjusting himself every couple of minutes. He felt like hours had gone by when she finally stepped out and up onto an elevation that was in front of a three folded mirror that covered the entire wall. 

He couldn’t breathe. Never in his life had he seen anyone as beautiful as she was in that moment. Her smile lit up everything around them and the joy in her eyes made his heart leap. The dress highlighted the upper part of her body; it seemed to cup her breasts in the most impeccable way and flared out at her waist, at the most perfect place possible. She had her eyes closed and was moving to the beat a silent tune, swaying from one side to the other.

He could see her walking down a long aisle, the skirt moving like a church bell as she proceeded forward. A lump formed in his throat and he felt like something was trying to escape out of his mouth. His mind went back to New Year’s Eve almost two years ago. The song that they had danced to filled his head. He felt the same things today as he had at that exact moment. Feelings he had buried deep, feelings he was afraid to give in to. It had happened once before with her, that night years ago when they had given themselves to each other, only for him to be cast aside for someone else. Someone more appropriate, someone better. 

She opened her eyes, smiled at him and his heart went wild. Then she asked the question he had been dreading.

“How do I look?” 

He could barely speak. His voice was hoarse and he stumbled over his words on more than one occasion. Finally the only word that came out was “Amazing.”

Her face broke out in a smile that he hadn’t seen for awhile. It was the smile that had always been reserved for him and he reciprocated it, feeling a need to do anything and everything to keep that smile on her face. 

They were interrupted by one of the sales clerk’s who apologized for the intrusion but announced that the store would be closing in 15 minutes. Zendaya smoothed the dress, not really wanting to take it off but went into the changing room nonetheless. 

When she returned she gave the dress to the sales clerk, thanking her for letting her try it on. 

“No problem dear, all brides have second thoughts on their dresses. Are you sure you want to take the one that we have on hold for you?”

Zendaya just stared at the woman. She knew she should say something; preferably that it wasn’t her that was getting married but nothing came out. She heard Val saying yes and looked him quietly; mouthing sorry but he just gave her a small smile. Don’t worry about it he seemed to be saying. 

“Hey Z, could you go get the car while I pay? Oh and take the garment bag with you, I’m not walking out with that.” She gave him a small nod and smiled at him but it wasn’t the same smile as before.

He paid for the dress his fiancée had picked out while a voice in his head telling him to put the card away and walk out of the store. But he didn’t.

“Excuse me, how much does the dress she was trying on?”

“Oh, the vintage Monique Lhuillier your beautiful fiancée was trying on?”

It sounded so perfect in his ears and without hesitation he said: “Yes.”

“It’s $8,000. It’s a beautiful dress, one of a kind. Nothing like it in this world.”

Val swallowed hard, his nervousness and uncertainty threatening to take over. He knew what he wanted to do and he knew what he was supposed to do. Those things were not the same. 

* * *

Zendaya waited outside in the car, wondering what was taking so long. The happiness she had felt while wearing that dress had waned with each step that she took away. It hadn’t been the dress that had given her the feeling of ecstasy, she knew that. It had been him. The thought of wearing that dress and seeing him, staring at her in awe just like a groom should stare at his bride. But she wasn’t his bride, and she needed to accept that. And she almost had … Not that was a lie. But she was trying. She was going out more, seeing people while not really seeing them. She had shed enough tears because of this whole situation and had finally accepted that the pain she felt was a part of her, a part of life. That raw pain would never go away, she knew, but it was getting better everyday. 

The door to the driver’s seat suddenly opened and Val sat down. He didn’t answer her question when she asked him what had taken so long but rather just sat there, keys in hand and staring straight forward. He jerked around when he felt her hand on his thigh, a tingling sensation that felt like both shame and excitement creeping up to his groin. He grabbed her hand and laid it down in her lap and then dusted his jeans in the exact same spot her hand had just been, like he was trying to rub her effects away.

“Is something wrong?” 

“It just hit me in there.”

“What hit you? A very sophisticated yet dangerous pair of bridal shoes that retail at $2000?”

Her attempt at a fashion joke made him chuckle but his answer woke them both up.

“That I’m getting married.”

“Yeah you are.” She looked at him, searching for any signs of regret but his face was like a blank canvas.

“Any regrets?”

_Not marrying you_. “No. None.”

And with that they drove back, Zendaya being dropped off back at her place and Val going back to his, with him wanting nothing more than to return to that bridal shop, his heart taking control over his mind. 

 


	6. October 2018

“Could you tell me again why this is something you have to do? And why I have to come with you?”

Zendaya gave Dom no answer, mainly because she didn’t have one. She had no idea what she was doing there. She knew why she was there but she didn’t know why she had said yes.

“Shouldn’t this be Maks’ job? He is the best man, right?”

Dom raised a good point but when Val had called her she had been unable to say no. Even though she knew she should of. She opened the door to Val’s apartment with her key, she still had it although she should probably give it back. She didn’t really want to walk in on anything seedy, especially now that Emilia would be moving in.

She told Dom to wait in the living room while she walked upstairs to the bedroom and into the walk-in closet that soon would be completely filled with women’s clothing. Val had, like the typical male that he was, grabbed the wrong tux and now Zendaya was in the bedroom of the man she loved, picking up the tuxedo he was going to wear while he married another woman.

She sighed, thinking about how this must look and how Dom was right. She hadn’t said it but the words  **you’re truly pathetic Zendaya** had been written all over her face. 

Zendaya walked up to the hangers noticing a garment bag hanging between about a dozen white shirts. She moved the shirts to the sides to get a better hold of the bag. That’s when she saw another bag, a bigger one that hung behind the other clothes. It was facing straight forward and didn’t know which one to take.

She mused to herself, “I would probably hide my wedding clothes if it was me ... ” She shook her head, deciding to just open one of the bags to make sure she wasn’t making the same mistake as Val had done. She put the bag that was in her arm back on the closet rod and zipped down the bag that was facing her. 

Her first reaction was to throw up. She felt lightheaded, deprived of oxygen and like she would fall to the floor at any second. _How?_  For a split second she questioned everything she knew. Everything she had been told, everything  **he**  had told her.  _Why?_  As she composed herself she walked towards the piece of clothing. Her breath quickened as she touched it; the fabric of the skirt was rough against her skin but the bodice was soft. The contrast gave her goosebumps and she remembered the day she had tried it on. The memories of that day soon turned into a feeling of annoyance, thoughts of  **how dare he**  flaring across her mind. It only took a few moments for the anger to fully set in and she released her grip on the skirt. The anger settled in her chest and started heating up her fractured heart, that she had been trying to piece together for the past few months. 

She walked to the bedroom door, firmly and assuredly but stopped when she realized she didn’t have the one thing he had asked her to pick up. She wanted to go there without the tux, she wanted to barge in and yell at him. Demand an explanation, what he was thinking. She wanted to know. But she wouldn’t do that. She would handle this better. So she turned around, grabbed the garment bag and walked downstairs, barking at Dom to get to the car. Dom obeyed, only rolling her eyes and giving Zendaya a slight pitying look of “I’m sorry the man you love is marrying someone else.”

_You don’t know Dom, you don’t know_.

* * *

Zendaya didn’t speak the whole way to the church and bolted out of the car when Dom parked. 

“It was my pleasure being your plus one and driving us all the way!” Dom knew she didn’t hear her, there was clearly something more going on besides the wedding.

Zendaya walked into the church, searching for a friendly face that could tell her where Val was. She heard her voice being called and was grateful when she saw Serge, dressed in a three piece tuxedo and his award winning smile. 

“Thank god you’re here Z! Val is going crazy in there, he’s been talking about that suit for over an hour.”

Zendaya tried her best to smile but felt she couldn’t so she just nodded her head. Serge continued talking, asking her to hand him the bag so he could bring it to Val.

“Actually, would you mind if I take it to him? I really want to see him before the ceremony starts.”

Serge’s face fell a little, his mouth hanging open before he gave an unsure  **yes**  and directions to the room Val was at. “Just don’t make him more nervous than he already is,” Serge tried to laugh at his own attempt at a joke but it fell quietly and Zendaya followed the directions she had been given. Before she knew she was outside the door, feeling like she had lost the ability to use her hands. The anger she had felt while at his house was flaring up again and she had difficulty composing herself. All of a sudden the door was swung open and she stood face to face with Maks. His hard face that showed annoyance and not happiness like it should turned into an ear splitting grin and he grabbed Zendaya and held her close, whispering into her ear; “Please save us from groomzilla”

He let her go and ushered her into the room where Val, Alex and Ben were also. The two other men took their turns in hugging her while Val stood by the wall with a blank look on his face. All the anger she had felt only moments before evaporated when she looked at him. He looked lost, like a child that didn’t know where he was and wanted desperately to go home.  _I have to do this, don’t I?_

“Look Val, tux is here! You can smile now. See, smile.” Maks turned his face from a frown to a smile, like he was showing a kid the how-tos of the expression. But Val only looked at him for a second or two before laying his eyes on the bag that Alex had taken from Zendaya. He then slumped down in a sofa that had been used as a resting place for the groomsmen’s jackets and all three of the men jumped forward yelling no, no, no and demanding their jackets back. Val pulled them out from where he sat and dropped them on the floor. Zendaya could hear Alex fussing over his jacket, murmuring something about ill-advised plans. 

“Guys, would you mind stepping outside for a bit. I need a word with Val.” They all looked at each other, like they were communicating telepathically and decided to leave the room.

“20 minutes though. There are only 20 minutes until that man, formerly known as my vivacious brother, walks down the aisle.”

“20 minutes” Zendaya replied and closed the door behind them. Her back was still turned to Val when she spoke again. 

“I got your tux for you.”

“Thank you.”

“There were a lot of things in your closet.”

“I like fashion.”

“A lot of white shirts.”

“I like white shirts.”

She turned around to face him, noticing how defeated he looked staring into space. Neither of them spoke. Zendaya could feel him slipping away with every wasted second. 

“Do you like white dresses?”

His eyes met hers for the first time since she arrived but they were unreadable. The expression on his face was as blank as their future together.

“Why Val?”

“I don’t know.” The words were so soft coming from him that she barely heard them.

“That is not an acceptable answer.” She could feel the heat in her chest stirring up again, the need for an answer she deserved overpowering her. 

“What do you want me to say?” His forehead wrinkled when he spoke and his nostrils flared. He was ready for a fight. “Because I have nothing. No answer. It was an impulse, I saw you … I just needed to make you feel better … ”

“So you bought me a wedding dress but never gave it to me? How was that supposed to make me feel better?” She tried to keep her voice calm but heat in her chest was travelling up to her throat and she felt like she could breathe fire. 

Val exploded and stood up from where he was sitting. “I DON’T KNOW.” This was affecting him on a deeper level, he never did this. He never screamed at her. “Maybe I’m just a guy who buys wedding dresses for people. Ever thought about that? Maybe that’s what I do.”

“That’s not what you do. I know you better than that.”

“Do you? Are you sure?”  _If you really did you would know how I feel about you Zendaya_. “Because I’m not so sure that you do Zendaya. I am not completely sold on the idea because for the past year you’ve basically only called on me when it benefits you. When you have something that has to be done, when you’re feeling sad and I have to fix something in your life. Most of the time you’re just gone. You’re nowhere to be found.” He felt exhausted and fell down in the sofa, his head in his hands, the threat of tears almost overpowering him. He couldn’t look at her, he knew that he had hurt her and that was something he couldn’t take back. 

But he didn’t hear tears and when she spoke to him it was as soft as ever. Her voice felt like a cool breeze on a hot summer’s day, cooling him down. 

“You’re right.”

He lifted his head from his hands, not fully comprehending the words coming out of her mouth.

“You are. I haven’t really been there for you, but it’s not because I don’t need you. Frankly, I need you more now than ever before.” He noticed her biting her lip, a habit that only surfaced when she was nervous. “Do you remember last New Year’s Eve?”

Val nodded his head lightly. He could still remember how it felt having her in his arms, wrapped tightly against his own body, the smell of her skin almost sending him over the deep end. 

“That was the night I realized I’m in love with you.” She said it so clearly, so assuringly that it almost went over his head. There was no fumbling of words, no uncertainty. It was straightforward and hopeful and he had no idea how to respond. She walked to him and knelt beside him on the sofa. She was facing towards him but he was facing forwards, their different body language mirroring the way their conversation was going. 

“I’m getting married.” 

“I know.”

He turned his head so it was facing hers and then turned his whole body. They looked at each other like they had never seen one another before. With each passing moment they moved closer until their knees were touching. It sent an electric shock up his whole body and he could sense the same happening to her.  _This is what you want Valentin_. _Please take it_. His hand cupped her cheek, his thumb rubbing light circles on it. Their heads moved slowly but steadily towards each other and he saw how she closed her eyes, desperately wanting to follow her lead but not being able to. He could already taste her, having relived their kisses from three years ago over and over in his head since they happened. But now he felt like there was an invisible rope around his neck, pulling him back as he tried to move forwards. He stopped and said out loud the three words he never wanted to speak again.

“I’m getting married.”

He saw her eyes shoot open and a dagger went deep into his heart as he saw the devastation in them. He let go of her cheek, feeling like he didn’t deserve to touch her skin. 

“You’re getting married.” Even though no tears had fallen he could hear them in her voice. She stood up and he felt repellant. Disgusting.  **Cowardly**.

She walked to the door, stopping before she opened it. Giving him an opportunity. Another chance to admit his true feelings. Feelings that he buried deep within his mind every time she was out of sight but resurfaced so easily at only the sound of her voice. But nothing happened. And she walked out of his life. 

_Never again. Never again._


	7. May 2019

## May 2019

Every time he saw her, she had a smile on her face. Sometimes she was even laughing and he wished he could hear the sound of it. The sound of her laughter gave him such satisfaction and such joy because normally he was the reason for it. But he couldn’t hear it; he hadn’t heard it for 8 months. Whenever he laid his eyes on her it was through a screen when she was on some kind of a red carpet or when the paparazzi snapped photos of her and the picture was put on some coated paper in a magazine. He bought them all, just for the hope that he would catch a small glimpse of her. 

He had tried to call, well almost. For months he had dialed her number only to stop and erase it. Every time. 

She seemed happy. Her smile was different but that was probably his fault. He had ruined something within himself when he failed to say those three words that he felt so deeply but couldn’t say, and he had probably ruined something within her too. 

He was jerked away from his thoughts with a knock on the door. He thought about not answering, not really wanting to have any company but he stood up and answered the door.

There she was. Standing before him like she hadn’t been gone for 8 months, a smile on her face and a suitcase in her hand. “It’s been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face.”  

“What’s going on?” 

Her smile faltered a bit and she replied quickly, “I don’t get a hello, how are you? Just a ‘what’s going on?’”

“Hello how are you, what’s going on?”

Her smile came back and she ushered him out of the way so she could walk inside. 

“I have one month off. No acting, no singing, nothing. So I thought I should come here, I mean as I said, it’s been a long time.”

“8 months. It’s been 8 months.”

“Riiiight. All the more reason to visit. You don’t mind me staying here do you?”

Val had no words. This is not how he had imagined their first meeting after the wedding to happen. He had imagined a lot more tears, some shouting or maybe a cold shoulder. But she seemed fine.  _She’s fine without me_.

“Of course you can stay, it’s great having you back.” He finally hugged her. It was short and a bit awkward on his part but it felt just as before. It was like nothing had happened and no time had passed. As they spoke she told him all about her hectic life; photo shoots in the Caribbean, acting in Europe and recording in Asia. 

A month passed of them being in each other’s presence once again and it felt as natural and perfect as ever. Every day was a new adventure. They did every touristy thing that Los Angeles had to offer, even taking road trips to historical places that were around the city. Soon the last day of her month long time off came. He had planned to cook them dinner but Zendaya wanted to go to a small concert she had seen advertised on a flyer. So they went to a bar where the floor was so sticky that Zendaya almost lost her shoe with every other step.

She danced while he stayed on the sidelines, admiring her. He wanted to etch every new memory into his mind before she left again. In that moment he fell in love with her. He fell in love with her for the 2000th time. And when she came running up to him and jumped into his arms he held her a little longer than he should have, burying his face in her hair trying to capture the smell of her coconut shampoo.  

And when they got back to his place, soaking wet after a rainstorm she gave him the smallest and sweetest smile that had ever grazed her lips, and his heart went wild. It was followed by a delicate kiss that anyone watching would have missed but he didn’t. Her hand slipped into his and she led him up the stairs. He wasn’t expecting that. 

They fell into bed together, frantically tearing their clothes off before Zendaya broke their kiss and gently pressed her lips against his neck before whispering into his ear.

“Slowly.”

He looked at her as she was laying beneath him. A more beautiful sight was hard to find. He could feel the beat of her heart against his chest. It had a steady rhythm and he felt as though their hearts were synchronizing with each other. And then he kissed her, slowly yet passionately. He kissed her like he had wanted to kiss her every time she smiled at him, every time she touched his arm and every time she laughed. He put every feeling he had into that kiss, he needed her to know. In that moment it was only them and Val felt that after a long way they had finally made it.

* * *

As he woke up he realized something was both tickling his nose and pressed up against his naked body. He opened his eyes and was greeted with dark locks and caramel skin. He removed his arm that had been wrapped around Zendaya’s waist and turned to his back. He stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, looking back at the events of last night.  _Why do I ruin everything?_

He quietly got out of bed, hoping he wouldn’t wake her up.  _I need more time._  He walked downstairs to the living room and sat down on the couch. He looked at his surroundings; there wasn’t a bottle in sight.  _Alcohol can’t be blamed._

“So … ”

“So … ” Val gave a nervous laugh, hoping somehow that would defuse the situation but he didn’t get his wish.

“Would you like breakfast?”

Zendaya shook her head, “I’m not really hungry.”

“Neither am I.”

It felt as though the silence was louder than their words. Zendaya moved towards Val on the couch and as she sat down, Val moved away from her. She felt hurt at his action and commented on it.

“I’m not sick or contagious.”

Val absent mindedly answered her, “What? I didn’t catch that.”

“We had sex Val, if I contracted any sort of virus it was probably from you.”

He looked at her with extreme confusion but Zendaya just quietly said never mind and stared at the black tv screen. 

After a while Val spoke. “Are you gonna tell him?”

“Tell whom what?”

“Your boyfriend, are you gonna tell him what happened?”

Now it was Zendaya’s turn to be confused. “What are you talking about? What boyfriend?”

Val felt irritated, taken for a fool. “You don’t have to protect me. I know that you’ve been dating someone.”

Zendaya, still confused, turned to look at him and saw how serious he was. “Look Val, I don’t know what you think you know but I haven’t dated anyone since, well since Reed.”

Val raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth slightly, not knowing how to reply. “I saw it online, on some site … ”

“You’ve been looking at me online?”

“What? No, it was just some Spanish website ”

“You don’t speak Spanish”

“Don’t you think I know that? But it was just there and it was all in Spanish and photos of you walking in Barcelona with some guy and I .... ”

“You naturally assumed that I was the kind of person who would cheat on my boyfriend.”

The silence was deafening this time. He felt as though everything would explode at any moment. He felt like he would explode. 

“If I don’t say this now I will surely break.” He gathered himself and felt his heart beat faster with every breath that he took. 

“Ever since I first met you, I’ve had to fight all kinds of urges and I’ve done a quite a good job. The urge to remove every strand of hair from your face has been present since our first rehearsal together, you’re hair was always everywhere it shouldn’t have been.” Zendaya smiled, remembering how her long hair had usually been either in her face or his face as they practiced. 

“The urge to hold you close in my arms has been there since I found out about your grandmother’s cancer. The only thing I wanted to do was to cradle you in my arms and keep you safe from everything, every wrong thing in this world. The urge to kiss you … ” he stopped talking and took a deep breath. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, his eyes fixed on the floor beside Zendaya. “The urge to kiss you has been there since our foxtrot.” He looked at her, tears glistening in his eyes. “When you were close to me I felt like I could do everything, like no one’s opinion of me mattered. You made me realize that I, Valentin Chmerkovskiy, was good enough. I didn’t have to be anyone else, I didn’t have to invent some other personality because I was enough.”

Her brows were furrowed and crinkles formed on her forehead. He bit his lip, wanting to go on but already feeling like a complete fool. Keep going.

“You were 16, and it was wrong. You were my family, and that was wrong. Having feelings for you was not an option. But there they were, screaming at me everyday to do something. Buy you flowers, chocolates, ice cream. But I decided to wait, and I did. I waited and waited. And you turned 17, and 18, and 19. And I just waited. For that perfect moment that never came. And then I thought,  **what if I tell her and then she tells me it will never happen?**  And it freaked me out because I always thought that when I would tell you, you’d feel the same way. Which was stupid of me and very self-centric. So I guess I just gave up, I talked myself out of it.”

“Out of telling me or loving me?”

Val didn’t answer her but kept on speaking. “... And then the wedding happened. And you gave yourself to me completely, you trusted me so much that night. And I truly felt like, like this was happening. Like you loved me as much as I loved you.”

He could feel the tears threatening to fall but steadied himself because there were too many words left.

“But after that night you became distant, like it was a mistake and then all of a sudden there was Reed. You broke me.” A single tear escaped and trailed down his cheek. “I realized quite early on that he was a buffer that you had placed between us and that was when I realized that I had to let you go. And I did. I took a deep breath and I let go. And I had a life, I had a good relationship and I was in love … ” 

“What you had wasn’t love, she controlled you!”

“Will you please let me finish Zendaya.” He was eerily calm and she looked at him, a hint of shame on her features.

“As I was saying, I was in love with the idea of this perfect life I had built up. But deep inside I knew it, just like I knew when we danced that foxtrot or when you led me to your bedroom that night 3 years ago or when your hand slipped into mine last night. It’s always the same conclusion, whatever the time and place.” The intensity in his eyes was palpable and Zendaya’s breath caught in her throat. She could barely speak yet she needed to. 

“What is that conclusion?”

“That I have fallen in love with you everyday for over 7 years. It’s overwhelming and yet subtle every time. Sometimes it’s just realizing a new quirk you have and falling in love with it. But most of the time it happens just by looking at you. Your smile, the way you cock your head to the left when you’re trying to be cute, the fact that you put your hair in a bun just for me.” He grazed his fingers over her neck and she sucked in a breath at his touch. 

“I love you Zendaya. I am in love with you. And I want to be with you but not like this, no one night stands that result in us making stupid decisions because we don’t know how the other person feels and we’re too afraid to ask.”

Zendaya didn’t speak and just repeatedly shook her head. Val’s heart felt like it would break any minute.

“A month.” Zendaya looked at him with tears in her eyes.

“What?”

“I’ve been here for one month. I’ve waited for this for one month. Every day just waiting for you to put your heart on the line like I did with mine.” She wiped her tears and tried to regain control of her emotions. “For the past 8 months I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace everything I had, or thought I had. I reached out trying to love but felt nothing. My heart was numb, you made my heart numb.”

His self-hatred flared up once again. He had put out her fire. She couldn’t love because of him.

“But being here with you, made me realize that my heart isn’t numb. It was just hiding away until I found you so that I could feel again. And now … ” she let out a sound that could only be described as a combination of a snort and a laughter. 

“And now what?” Val was on tenterhooks, hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

She walked up to him and he was ready to be berated, slapped, screamed at. But that didn’t happen.

Her lips were on his before he realized what was happening. It wasn’t delicate or slow, it was passionate and overwhelming. He felt as though he could taste the coconut that was in the air, the smell almost astounding him. He placed his hands on both sides of her face and stroked his thumbs in circles. Zendaya broke the kiss, a glowing smile on her face, a gesture that made him smile in return. Their foreheads touched and she spoke, her voice low. 

“And now I can finally tell you, after a month of waiting, that I love you too.”

And in that moment reality finally became better than their dreams. And with every kiss that followed he could taste the next 60 years of their lives together and it was a glorious future.


End file.
